1. When you walk through the door at a party, you would LOVE to say hi to so many kids that it overwhelms you and you just walk around like no one’s there.
2. The second you’re done doing anal on the living room table at your bff’s homecoming afterparty you retreat to your room and watch Netflix for 4 days…. You don’t even check Twitter!
3. Speaking of bff, you don’t have any interest in keeping in touch with anyone else. You’re too busy drafting your next Tumblr post where you can express yourself but not have to make a public appearance…phew!
4. You have literally never hugged someone twice. The extrovert in you put you in this awkward spot where anyone you make human contact with instantly becomes repulsive. Your dad, your sister, anyone.
5. Oh yeah, by the way, this makes relationships tough. The person that fell in love with you – you know, the party animal who butt chugged that 4 Loko? – doesn’t understand why you won’t open up anymore. You try to explain it, but you literally can’t even open your mouth anymore.
6. Your Snap Story can go from 100 seconds of full frontal nudity air humps to the tune of “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)” to nothing and your brain doesn’t even realize what it’s doing.
7. You start to write a blog post about how you feel because you want the world to know, but the thought of it going viral suddenly caused you to throw your laptop out the window, strap a cement block to your chest, and run into the water and drown yourself because you know people will be at the beach and want to help you and you’ll indulge in the attention but at the same time you want to be alone and just die because of human interaction and you shit yourself uncontrollably until you do a head-first dive into the cold water, take a selfie and post it on Instagram because you think the lighting will help you clinch that 100 like photo that haunts your dreams, then kick everyone in the face who tries to save you as you imminently sink to your death as you wonder, “Did I call Brad back?.. Miss chillin’ with that kid.”
…… R.I.P. Jeff T, 1890-2014
……Such a bright soul that he was too busy sharing with friends to share with friends at all.