Why I Want My Kids to Be Raging Heroin Addicts

There comes a time in every parent’s life when they realize their precious little cherubs are becoming adults:  Your son starts getting calls from girls on the telephone… Your daughter starts putting makeup on and buys her first bra (that will unlikely be a little too big, but mom doesn’t have the heart to tell her)…and it is at this moment that you start to panic.

Have I prepared my little one for adulthood?

Will they survive– better yet, thrive– in their 20somethings?

Will they be happy?


Every parent will hope their kid turns out to be the perfect young adult, and with all the stresses of modern day American culture, they even more desperately hope that he or she lives a fulfilling, happy life.  And honestly, there’s really only one way a parent like me can rest at night knowing everything will be fine: My kid should be addicted to heroin.


Too much emphasis is put on getting kids to become scientists or engineers.  Who wants a world full of Lego-building pencils pushers that have never written a haiku or gone to Burning Man?  The ever-growing population can prepare best with a chill pill, not technological innovation.   I want to raise my kid to get fucking ripped and debate over which Pink Floyd album is the best to spark up and chillax with.  Well, how will I do this?


First, they start with weed.  As recommended by my FAVORITE AUTHOR OF ALL TIME, Lauren “LMoney” Martin, in her stellar, reasonable, fact-based, unbiased article Why I Want My Kids To Smoke Weed, I will have my kids save all of their money to buy pot-related things, and smoke pot so my potatoes taste good and they don’t hate me.


Using her prophetic speculation as to the unwavering positives that will manifest by endorsing steady marijuana consumption, I can only conclude that stronger, more effective drugs will only compound the benefits! (Side note: I’ve been putting codeine syrup in Sarah’s iced tea at lunch and she has an A in art class!  ^_^ ) Which brings me to step two: a full blown heroin addiction.  If pot will make my kid “think about becoming a writer,” than heroin will turn little Jimmy into Billy Fucking Shakespeare!  Pot will make my kids “listen to Etta James records.”  Well guess what, Charlie Parker didn’t solo over Giant Steps after lighting a doobie.  That guy was on the H, and I’m in the mood to conceive the next American jazz pioneer.  Pot will make my kid “DVR the Cosby Show?”  F’in A doggie, with a little black tar in their systems I have the next Dave Chappelle convulsing at the dinner table, threatening me with his fork for another score!  I can’t WAIT to have 100% awesome, open-minded, creative offspring who would have otherwise been boring, annoying shitheads who are good for nothing and don’t like the way I prepare salmon…. god I get so angry just thinking about it.

As you can see, there’s only one way to have a kid who doesn’t suck.  And that’s by making sure they are addicted to drugs.



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