20 Things Every Twentysomething Needs To Hear

Are you twentysomething? Do you want to make sure you’re twentysomething? Do you want to learn how to BE twentysomething? Then this article is perfect for you! If you’re 30 then stab your eyes out right now and walk away from your computer screen you creep. Being twentysomething is hard, but if you follow these rules, you should have no problem with being twentysomething. If you don’t follow these rules or can’t relate to them, then I guess you’re not twentysomething. Or you’re just doing it wrong.

 

1. It’s okay if you don’t have everything figured out

Look, you’re young. I’m young. Mighty Joe Young. Steve Young. Young, and wild, and free. There’s so much this world has to offer, and you can literally see all of it, it just takes time. If you think you have everything figured out then you’re lying and I hate you. Or you’re 30. Because that’s when you need to have everything figured out.

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2. BREATHE!

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. “Breathe, Domesticpartner? No sh*t! I do that every day.” Yeah, and that’s exactly why I put that on this list. Sure, breathing is one part of physiological respiration and is required to sustain life and, YES, it has both conscious and unconscious elements, but if I didn’t put that on this list you would DIE so you’re welcome. Plus, my uncle died when he was twentysomething because he forgot to breathe so I have a personal obligation to make sure everyone else breathes. Sometimes I go up to people and put my hand over their mouths to make sure they are breathing. I’m for sure twentysomething.

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3. You need to travel

Where are you right now? Go somewhere else. Perfect. You’re on your way to seeing the whole world. What’s that? “Domesticpartner, it costs money to travel, and as a twentysomething I haven’t accrued enough funds to…” SHUT THE FUC* UP AND TRAVEL YOU MORON. When you travel, make sure you see really cool landmarks and take a selfie in front of it. Don’t think about the landmark or how impressive its history is, and how small and insignificant your life feels in contrast to such a majestic site of raw power and wonder. Just take a selfie and put a filter on it. Then, when your other twenty something friends ask you about seeing the Eiffel Tower, you can show them the selfie you took without ever having to think about it’s historical context and just how impressive standing atop that tower truly is. It’s a tall pointy thing and if you lay on the lawn you can take a pic to make it look like your wiener. Good enough for me.

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4. Start saving money

As a twentysomething, you probably aren’t financially secure, so it’s important to start saving money now. Here’s the trick to saving money: put a little aside each month and don’t touch it — heck, don’t even look at it you pervert — and save up for the whole year. Then, stay up all night to get a sweet spot in line at Best Buy for Black Friday and go to town. Spend all of the money that you saved on anything that catches your eye, you deserve it. Sorry for calling you a pervert, I didn’t mean it. Whatever you buy, don’t give it to anyone else. Just use it for yourself! You can start really saving money when you’re 30.

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5. Learn how to read

I cannot stress this one enough, y’all. Please please please learn how to read. I was illiterate for the first three years of my life and it was miserable. I would find myself crying for no reason, hardly able to use my limbs or properly articulate my thoughts. It was as if I was trapped inside my own body. I was mocked and humiliated by my parents, speaking to me as if I was a dog. Every morning I awoke to this uncomfortable yet all too familiar sensation of feces filling my underpants to the brim. Again, tears. Finally, I dragged myself out of the pits of despair and taught myself how to read. Take ownership over your life. Learn how to read.

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6. Do something every day that scares you

I take this rule very seriously, mostly because some dead lady said it so it’s gotta be important. I have a very serious peanut allergy, folks. I can feel my throat tightening just writing the word peanut. It’s serious. But guess what. Every single day for the last twenty something years I have forced myself to eat a peanut butter sandwich because it scares the living s*it out of me because I could literally die from eating it. Has it made me a better person? No. In fact, this routine that I have adopted has ravaged my body and caused irreversible amounts of psychological damage. I can’t hold down a solid meal and my medical bills are through the roof. But I’m scaring myself every single day and that’s important so I consider myself lucky.

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7. Develop an addiction

This one’s a personal favorite of mine. Obviously I have a bit of an addiction to peanuts (see number 6). Twentysomething is the perfect age to be addicted to something. You’re most likely pretty broke and lack the responsibilities that might prevent you from being addicted to something later in life (ie – a career, a family, a garden) so go out there and get hooked! I don’t care what it is, but crack is pretty fun and basically a guaranteed addiction. Now I don’t want to be labeled as some sort of enabler or a crack promoter…so I’ll be fair and suggest getting hooked on meth, too! Eventually when you turn 30 you can develop a functioning dependency on alcohol but that’s about it. So for now, find something that you’re really passionate about due to a strong physical and psychological dependency and be twentysomething!

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8. Break that addiction

Nothing says “hey you’re twentysomething!” like breaking an addiction. Confession: I’m still working on this one. I’m having trouble balancing my addiction to peanuts, breaking that addiction, and needing to scare myself everyday. I guess you could say I’m also addicted to scaring myself. But it’s on the list, so I have to do it, right? But then if I don’t break the addiction I would be violating rule number 8 which is crucial to being twenty something. There are so many rules I need to follow here! I *ucking love peanuts.

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9. Become a parent

It’s funny, I think a lot of twentysomethings are afraid of this one. Good news, people: there’s no need to be afraid. I had my first kid when I was first turning twentysomething and it was great. Now I have six kids. I don’t really have much of a relationship with any of them? This is really the perfect time to become a parent mostly because, well, why not? You’ve seen more than most 30 year olds and you know way more about the world then any 40 year old, so don’t be so selfish and go and have a kid! Because guess what, that kid’s gonna grow up to be twentysomething some day and they will look you in the eye, shake your hand, and curse you through tight lips and clenched teeth, hating every ounce of your being and blaming you for the endless amounts of psychological damage that you caused. But hey, at least you had a kid! It’s apparent, become a parent :p

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10. Hit a homeless man in the mouth

I try to do this one at least once a week. It’s a bit of a curveball, I know, but it will pay dividends in the long run. If you see a homeless man, ask to hear his story, offer him some food or change, and then closed-fist hit him square in his mouth-hole. I bet just reading that sentence made you feel more twentysomething, didn’t it? Warning: DO NOT HIT A HOMELESS MAN IN THE MOUTH IF YOU ARE 30. My uncle hit a homeless man in the mouth when he was in his 30s and he got arrested. After spending two years in the “Iron Bar Inn” for aggravated assault, he got out to find that our family had disowned him and he had no job prospects. Welp, long story short, he is now homeless, getting hit in the mouth by twentysomethings every day. Justice served if you ask me.

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11. NEVER form an opinion about something

This one’s easy and you’re probably doing it now without even thinking about it. People can disagree with opinions so the best thing to do is just not form them. If someone asks you where you stand politically, respond with something like: “The political system is so messed up, I choose not to participate.” Make sure you never elaborate on how the political system is messed up, saying it should be enough evidence that you’re at least conscious of current events. If you do need to form an opinion about something in a crunch, hop on Twitter and find what’s trending globally and just say what everyone else is saying in 140 characters or less.

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12. Compare yourself to others

How else are you gonna know who you are? Being an individual is draining, trust me, I tried during my formative teen years. Don’t do it. Just compare yourself to others. This will mostly make you feel terrible about yourself, but it’s worth it because you can see where you rank in the world. Is one of your twentysomething friends getting hitched? Well, sounds to me like you’re alone and, in fact, might always be alone. You better get married soon, it’s a very small window of opportunity. Is one of your twentysomething friends making six figures and swimming in babes? Well, sounds to me like you’re a loser with no redeeming qualities and no real hope for future happiness. That reminds me, money is the KEY to happiness. When people say things like, “Money can’t buy you happiness” it’s because they’re 30+ and most likely broke. Please, compare yourself to others and dedicate your life to money.

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13. Learn how to surf

Cowabunga, gang! Surf’s up, and if you don’t know how to ride the wave, you’re gonna drown. That’s not even a metaphor. Surfing is a beautiful sport that’s scientifically proven to make you more attractive. There’s nothing quite like riding a wave on a piece of plywood. With that being said, don’t actually learn how to surf because you’re probably going to be pretty bad at it. Instead, just buy a surfboard and a wetsuit, swim out to the waves, and just sit there looking out at Mother Nature’s majesty with a look on your face that suggests, “I do know how to surf, I’m just waiting for the perfect wave.” Other surfers and locals on the beach will know instantly that you’re twentysomething. Tubular!

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14. Cry. Every. Day.

Okay, this rule is a bit of a tricky one because you can actually do this when you’re not twentysomething…I catch my uncle crying all the time and he’s like 40. Let’s just say that I always end up the crier after those incidents! Anywho, crying is an essential part of being a human, not just being twentysomething, but it is during these twentysomething years that you inexplicably begin putting massive amounts of pressure on yourself to do everything that should take a lifetime — and for good reason! Crying is the perfect release, each tear representing a day that I’ve felt insecure or ashamed of who I am, falling the length of my face to the floor which feels like a lifetime, crashing to the ground with the hot force of a thousand regrets, staining the beautiful oriental rug as a constant reminder that I have failed. I also cry from laughing a lot, my friends are the best!

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15. Read as many blogs as possible

This one is a real no-brainer. Blogs are sort of the new encyclopedia of the world and only twentysomethings really understand that. Do you need to see 27 pictures of cats? Type that in to google and you should be pleasantly surprised with what you find. Unsure if you are addicted to pizza? Don’t look in a mirror or ask yourself questions that may make you aware of your problem, look it up on a blog ya silly! These blogs are surefire ways of telling you more about yourself, and, more importantly, boxing who you are as an individual in to a list compiled by someone sitting at a computer! People are complicated, so is life, these lists make it waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy easier to shrink people down to size and strip them of their identity! At the end of the day, you’re twentysomething, and you should be scared shitl**s by the thought of being an individual or thinking for yourself, so don’t! Read blogs.

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16. Stare directly at the sun

The jury’s still out on this one, but I say go for it! Stare directly at that big ol’ ball of fire! Look, you’re twentysomething, so your sense of invincibility, coupled with your unwillingness to accept limitations, listen to authority, and comprehend future consequences for present actions makes you the perfect candidate to stare directly into the sun. What, are you wearing sunglasses? Don’t be such a p***y, take those lame fake Ray Bans off and look at that hot mass of molten plasma! My uncle stared at the sun when he was in his 10s and now has cataracts. That idiot should have waited until he was twentysomething to stare at the star responsible for our existence.

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17. Find a hobby

Personally, I’ve picked up woodworking. This is an important decade in your lifetime; you’re trying to navigate the confusing elements of the real-world, all while trying to stay true to yourself, which, let’s face it, is easier said then done. Heck, you might not even know who you really are. Find time to figure that out. Find time for yourself. I’ve enjoyed woodworking because my father was a carpenter so I’m starting to learn a little more about him and we’re actually starting to patch things up a bit. It’s an extremely therapeutic and rewarding process, everything from picking the wood (I personally prefer a dark walnut) to putting on the final coat of Sedona Red wood finish. I find myself pausing to laugh in amazement at how my two hands could craft a practical piece of art from some hardened blocks of oak. I’ve learned a lot about myself and taking joy in the process of learning something new. So get out there and do something! You’ll be surprised at what you might learn.

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18. Call a complete stranger a doo-doo brain

This is a fun one. Unless you’re living under a rock, you probably see strangers all the time. You might even consider some of your closest “friends” or “family” strangers because you’re beginning to realize that you know nothing about them, that all of the laughs and smiles were forced, that all of the secrets kept were broken. Whoever the stranger is, go right up to them and call them a doo-doo brain! Go on! Do it! They’re not going to know what that twentysomething hit them with, it’ll be hilaaaaaarious. Plus, you can consider it an accomplishment for the day. Take that mom! I am doing something with my liberal arts degree!

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19. Hug someone every day

This one is my favorite. Hugging is scientifically proven to increase levels of happiness and create stronger bonds between individuals. I don’t care who you hug, it can be an animal for all I care, just make sure that you touch their butt a little bit and whisper in their ear the following words: “I just farted.” Wow, did you guys just get goose pimples, too? Every once in a while I like to whisper something like: “I have a rare and incurable skin disease that’s transmitted through touch.” I usually only say that when I’m really having trouble with rule number 9. Chances are they’ll be so appreciative of the hug that they won’t even mind what you whisper into their ear.

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20. Be yourself

One day a week. Just one day dedicated to being yourself. My day is Sunday because it’s usually the laziest day of the week for me. The other six days should be dedicated to comparing yourself to others (see rule 12). As a seasoned twentysomething year old, you shouldn’t have all that much time to be yourself, plus, it’s super hard. Take the high road here and just put all your energy into being someone else, preferably someone that has mass appeal and doesn’t stand out too much. I base my six-days-a-week self off of Ryan Gosling and it’s been delightful. Chances are, if you want to be yourself more than one day a week then you’re probably 30.

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