12 Obvious Signs That Foretold Jonah Hill’s Enslavement by Satan

By this point we are all aware of the tragic circumstances surrounding the downfall of Jonah Hill. After a steady rise to fame and an illustrious acting career–one that included roles as star third baseman for the 2002 Oakland Athletics in Moneyball and Jordan Belfort’s trusted sidekick in Wolves of New York–Hill was co-opted by the devil and transformed into a demon. Below, courtesy of surveillance efforts by CNN, is secret footage of Hill in his current state:

jonah hill demon

It may come as a surprise to many that “America’s Sweetheart” has met such a terrible fate. A closer reading of connected events preceding this tragedy, however, reveals the glaring predictability of Hill’s demonic demise:

1) To kick things off, Jonah’s relationship with God was never that solid in the first place.

I believe you're looking for "Thank you."

I believe he was looking for “Thank you.”

2) Then, Jonah really got the ball rolling when he was kicked out of Home Ec for defying the teacher and using “homemade” ingredients.

Jules was also dismissed for failing to keep her eyes on her own bowl.

Jules was expelled for cheating.

3) He also developed trust issues with his mom, leading him to seek comfort in all the wrong places…

jh1

4)…Such as drugs…

jh4

…Money…

jh5

…And strangers’ puppies

Jonah: "I found this jacket in the trash!" Dog: "Jonah gives the best manicures."

Jonah: “I found this jacket in the trash!”
Dog: “Jonah gives the best manicures.”

5) As he plunged into a downward spiral he became detached from reality, making false claims no sane person would believe.

Michael Cera is a mannikin.

Michael Cera is a mannikin.

6) He tried to be someone he wasn’t, and this just made everyone hate him even more.

Palms are sweaty, knees weak arms are heavy

Palms are sweaty, knees weak arms are heavy

Mom's spaghetti

Mom’s spaghetti

7) The resulting stress had the same effect on him as the Invisible Children guy after the Kony video.

Slow down, Jonah. You're gonna give yourself rug burn!

Slow down, Jonah. You’re gonna give yourself rug burn!

8) Anger boiled up within him and he started unleashing it…first toward others…

jh bang bang

9) …And then on himself

Jonah survived both gunshots to his temple.

Jonah survived both gunshots to his temple.

And the subsequent blow to the inside of his mouth.

And the subsequent blow to the inside of his mouth.

10) At this point, Jonah absolutely lost his mind and became completely vulnerable to dark forces.

"Weeeeeeeeee!"

“Weeeeeeeeee!”

11) Jack from The Titanic resurrected from the dead and tried to save Jonah…

jh leo

…but to no avail

12) And that’s when the devil infiltrated Jonah’s soul

"I'm gonna turn Jonah Hill into a hotdog."

“I’m gonna turn Jonah Hill into a hotdog.”

 

And turned him into a hotdog.

jh hotdog

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