By this point we are all aware of the tragic circumstances surrounding the downfall of Jonah Hill. After a steady rise to fame and an illustrious acting career–one that included roles as star third baseman for the 2002 Oakland Athletics in Moneyball and Jordan Belfort’s trusted sidekick in Wolves of New York–Hill was co-opted by the devil and transformed into a demon. Below, courtesy of surveillance efforts by CNN, is secret footage of Hill in his current state:
It may come as a surprise to many that “America’s Sweetheart” has met such a terrible fate. A closer reading of connected events preceding this tragedy, however, reveals the glaring predictability of Hill’s demonic demise:
1) To kick things off, Jonah’s relationship with God was never that solid in the first place.
2) Then, Jonah really got the ball rolling when he was kicked out of Home Ec for defying the teacher and using “homemade” ingredients.
3) He also developed trust issues with his mom, leading him to seek comfort in all the wrong places…
4)…Such as drugs…
…And strangers’ puppies
5) As he plunged into a downward spiral he became detached from reality, making false claims no sane person would believe.
6) He tried to be someone he wasn’t, and this just made everyone hate him even more.
7) The resulting stress had the same effect on him as the Invisible Children guy after the Kony video.
8) Anger boiled up within him and he started unleashing it…first toward others…
9) …And then on himself
10) At this point, Jonah absolutely lost his mind and became completely vulnerable to dark forces.
11) Jack from The Titanic resurrected from the dead and tried to save Jonah…
…but to no avail
12) And that’s when the devil infiltrated Jonah’s soul
And turned him into a hotdog.