Ok soon-to-be college grads, it’s interview season. In order to put that liberal arts degree to good use at your local Starbucks, first you have to get through the interview. Here’s a comprehensive list of things to avoid during your interview. Follow this guide and you’ll surely be serving burnt coffee to angry yuppies in due time!
1. DO NOT list your favorite sexual positions. You might think that it is a good way to break the ice and make everyone comfortable, but in reality you don’t want your boss to know what a prude you are. Missionary with the lights on is never a good answer.
2. DO NOT compliment your potential boss. This is a huge power move. In fact, don’t say anything at all. You will remind the interviewer of their aloof father that they always tried to please. He said that he loved them no matter what, but behind his eyes there was a sense of utter disappointment. After all, their screw-up of a child ended up in their late 30s managing a Starbucks. Go quiet and you’re in like Flynn. Heck, they might even try to sleep with you (double score!).
3. DO NOT forget to make physical contact with your interviewer. It shows a sense of confidence. I’m not talking about a handshake either. Go big or go home. I’m thinking about a goodbye kiss, or a firm, yet loving hug. You want your interviewer to feel special – like the only person in the entire world. You need to make them miss the feel and the warmth of your body. That shows great people skills and a willingness to put yourself in any position for the good of the company.
4. DO NOT sit down for the first five minutes. You’ll be unforgettable. Your future boss will have a great sense of anxiety, but then when you finally sit, the payoff will be immense. It’s the best way to delay gratification in an interview and your future boss seems like the type who loathes themselves enough that they masochistically enjoy delaying happiness. This shows maturity and self-assuredness!
5. DO NOT murder anyone, specifically your future boss. It’s against the law. I hope that this article isn’t the first time you’re realizing that murder is a bad thing.
6. DO NOT forget to pee somewhere in the room. You want to get in there early and mark your territory. Your future boss will respect your initiative and your panache. Tip: eat a lot of asparagus. It will smell stronger and your boss will have even more respect for you.
7. DO NOT forget to hit on your future boss’s secretary. Man or woman, you need to get your flirt on. 9/10 times the secretary is the one who makes the decision anyways. If he or she is on your side, you can’t fail. Plus, maybe he or she will send you nude pics from the office.
8. DO NOT limit the amount of personal questions that you ask. Seriously get in deep. The interview is really just a therapy session and you want to learn as much about your future boss as you can. Does he or she have mommy issues? When did he get his first blowjob? How did she feel when she finally got her period? Nothing is off limits. Plus, they say that in a constructive patient-therapist relationship there is a healthy sexual attraction from one to the other. Double plus bonus!
9. DO NOT talk about fight club.
10. DO NOT eat pancakes before the interview. I had a friend who did that once and he pooped his pants. I have never eaten pancakes before an interview and I have never unintentionally pooped my pants during the course of an interview. This proves that pancakes make you poop your pants. I know a thing or two about the scientific method.
So, if you follow all these steps and still don’t have a job, it turns out that you are just a loser like the rest of us. At least your in good company, or whatever.